Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize