u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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