The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
you never un-have a 4some
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize