you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
