Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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