well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
