It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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