there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
