all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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