I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
