Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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