My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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