she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
