I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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