we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
