he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize