I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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