At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
