The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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