just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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