Dual....:-)
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
