it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
