why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
