I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
They have beer where we have blood.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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