The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
