John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Houston, we have a squirter
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
