Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
