Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
