please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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