I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize