now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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