It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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