There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize