My room smells like vodka and shame
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
