Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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