u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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