Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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