Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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