I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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