Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
