hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
