She is in my trunk
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
