i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
