Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
