I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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