I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
