in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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