I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
