Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
