My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
