The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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