even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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