remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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