I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
