Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
