last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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