If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
