can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
