You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
