my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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