Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
