Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
