So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
